One of the things that people really don’t talk about much is how lonely being a pastor is. Pastors don’t talk about it because it is likely to offend the people they serve, and other people don’t talk about it because they have no idea.
So for those of you who have no idea, I will say it. Being a pastor is a job where I spend time with people, lots of people, and is totally isolating and lonely, because none of those people get it. My relationship with each and every one of my congregation members is professional, they have a need to hear the gospel, I proclaim it. It is that simple. Proclaiming the gospel is always done in relationship to others, so we get to know each other, it is often, in fact usually, enjoyable and fulfilling. But that relationship is rarely about liking each other, understanding each other, and is not supposed to be about loving each other on a deep, intimate level.
It is those deep relationships that are missing from the lives of pastors. We are sent to serve in places that are often far away from the family we grew up with. It is often also far away from the friends we have made throughout our lives. We go through a rather long process of education and spiritual formation with a set of people we call classmates that are really more like family than anything else. Then we are split up and sent all over the country and if we see any of them more often than once a year we are lucky.
And so, we set out to build a new life. Our primary relationship becomes with our congregation, the people that we can’t get all that close to or even be totally honest with…after all, they have the power to fire us, and if we aren’t exactly what they want, they may just do that. Even those people who are lucky enough to take family with them are expected to leave that family at home for an abundance of meetings and events that require the pastor’s presence and attention.
Meeting new people and making friends is complicated. Not many people want to be friends with a pastor: either they are afraid of being judged or preached at (not likely to happen, btw) or they have had a bad experience and hold anger toward the church or pastors in general, or they are intimidated, or they think they aren’t good enough, or any other number of reasons that people avoid pastors. Add to it that we work 50+ hours a week and have very little opportunity to even meet people who aren’t members of our congregation. These complications multiply the smaller the town is. If making friends is a challenge, don’t even consider the possibility of going on a date or falling in love.
So, many pastors seek support from each other. Great, if you aren’t the only pastor under the age of 40, the only woman, the only one who isn’t burnt out, etc.
The picture is not entirely bleak. I do have friends, but it has taken time and effort, and sometimes when the people in the congregation seem disengaged, it seems that there is nobody to really talk to, the people I truly love are all far away, and it’s almost lunch time, I have to admit that being discouraged and hungry are probably symptoms of loneliness (well, maybe not the hunger). I share this because it seems that lately I’ve been hearing a lot of friends and colleagues tell me they are lonely, isolated, and don’t have anyone where they live.
Perhaps it is time that we stop hiding it and help people to understand that while our relationship with God is the most important relationship we have, God created us to be in deep, loving relationships with other people too and being a pastor or anything else just isn’t rewarding enough to fill that need all by itself, even if it is God’s work. Today I pray for all people who are feeling lonely that God would provide the relationships to fulfill our need for love, that there would be time and energy to invest in those relationships and that others would be supportive and understanding.
