The American Girl

I have heard my whole life about body image issues in young girls.  Many blame the magazines, fashion, and the entertainment industry.  While it doesn’t help, they aren’t entirely at fault.  And the issue isn’t just about weight or wanting to be pretty.  The low self-esteem of the American girl is a much deeper wound and much bigger issue than most imagine.  It drives us to find value, and especially love (or the illusion of it) anywhere we can. 

The issues stem from broken relationships and a need to find love that we don’t feel we have gotten. The deep systemic and cultural issues lie below the surface where most people, especially men, can’t see them.

Think most American women are sexually liberated?  Think again.  A few confident women are, but most girls and women just want someone to want them.  Seeking validation through attraction and sex is a reality for both genders.  Sex is rightfully associated with love, but if we don’t know real love, then sex becomes a dangerous substitute.

Think the divorce rate is because young people don’t take marriage seriously?  Not necessarily.  Countless middle-aged people are getting divorced because the women finally have the clarity to identify verbal and emotional abuse and refuse to continue in that life.  Wouldn’t it be beautiful if we recognized right away when people aren’t treating us right?

In a conversation with a police officer, issues of gang violence and drug use came up.  He said that, surprisingly, the biggest problems are with the girlfriends who are willing to do anything for the gang member…and they don’t get anything out of it.  News flash: they do.  They believe these boys/men love them.  They get attention (and most likely gifts).  These are abusive relationships like any other.  These girls are often abused on every level, including physically, yet they get what they are seeking…a feeling of being important.  That’s why they can’t walk away.

This isn’t an issue of race or class.  We all want to feel like we are important and someone loves us, but most of us have experienced some broken relationship that contributes to our low self-worth.  It contributes to all sorts of issues in our society.  These issues run the gamut from eating disorders and obesity to criminal activity, suicide, addictions, domestic violence, unwanted pregnancy, divorce, and just plain going on a date with the jerk that lives next door.

So what to do?  Love these girls.  Love them deeply.  Build relationships in which they can see their true value.  Teach them that it is not their ability to attract a mate that makes them valuable.


Moms of the world, that means no more comments about wanting grandchildren.  I know you want these girls to be happy like you were, but pressure to find a husband only creates desperate women who are willing to take whatever they can get.

Friends, do not console someone who just broke up by saying, “don’t worry someone will come along.”  Who’s worried?  This issue is about the present hurt.  Instead, reassure them that they are still loved: by you, not some fictitious, future prince charming. 

Men, step up and quit taking advantage.  Just because we have issues does not let you off the hook. Don’t stand for abuse of any kind.  Respect women, and tell your friends to respect them too.  I promise, if you do that, you will still find someone to sleep with you, and more importantly someone to love you.

Women have a lot to contribute to the world, but they won’t do it unless they know they are loved and have a support system.  In this country, we finally have the voice and the choices to make life what we want it to be; we just need to recognize that we are valuable to more people than the ones who are physically attracted.  Please tell the girls in your life that they are beautiful, that they are loved, and show them their value by listening and caring for them no matter what.  Even these small things can make a huge difference.  We were made for healthy, positive, life-giving relationships with each other.  Let's work on creating as many of those as we can.

What's in it for me?

On occasion, someone leaves me newspaper articles in my box at the church.  One article given to me recently is a critique of one of the factors in Obama’s proposed jobs plan.   Under the proposed plan, this wealthy man would have his taxes raised. He claimed that he wouldn’t mind paying more taxes if the tax plan were sensible, but since there would also be a cut to the deduction for charitable giving, the people who would really suffer are not the rich, but the poor, who receive that giving.  His reasoning is that if wealthy people don’t get enough benefit for their charity, they won’t give, and the poor suffer, so the tax policy isn't sound enough to be supported.

Ok, there may be a little truth to the theory that some people give more if they think there is a tax deduction.  But if it is that big of a deal, then we have a serious crisis on our hands.  If getting 28% of your giving back as tax deduction instead of 35% is enough for people to say they won’t give anymore, then I think they have lost the concept of giving. 

My understanding of a gift is that we give it because we want to and that we don’t expect anything in return.  It is also my understanding that I have been blessed with enough to give generously (though in this country I am not considered wealthy) and others have been blessed enough to give generously too.  Especially when we know that someone else, who has less, is in need. 

It is my understanding that God’s plan for the world is that none would go without.  And that God has given us enough that none have to.  The uneven distribution of resources comes from greediness and sin.  Giving is one way to combat our idolatry of money, to demonstrate and remind ourselves that something else (God) is more important than the accumulation of wealth.  Rich or poor, we are susceptible to that idolatry, and so we all must give to the degree we are able.  And the harsh reality is, if we who are wealthier do not care for the poor, nobody will.

It is my hope that this man is wrong, that a majority of people who give do it because they want to make a difference for those who receive, and that whatever the government decides to do with this particular piece of the tax law, those who have more will continue to see the need to share with those who have less in a variety of ways (including through the government).  May the hungry and the poor be blessed richly by the generosity of God through the gifts of God’s people and, wealthy or poor, may we all have generous hearts.