I have heard my whole life about body image issues in young girls. Many blame the magazines, fashion, and the entertainment industry. While it doesn’t help, they aren’t entirely at fault. And the issue isn’t just about weight or wanting to be pretty. The low self-esteem of the American girl is a much deeper wound and much bigger issue than most imagine. It drives us to find value, and especially love (or the illusion of it) anywhere we can.
The issues stem from broken relationships and a need to find love that we don’t feel we have gotten. The deep systemic and cultural issues lie below the surface where most people, especially men, can’t see them.
Think most American women are sexually liberated? Think again. A few confident women are, but most girls and women just want someone to want them. Seeking validation through attraction and sex is a reality for both genders. Sex is rightfully associated with love, but if we don’t know real love, then sex becomes a dangerous substitute.
Think the divorce rate is because young people don’t take marriage seriously? Not necessarily. Countless middle-aged people are getting divorced because the women finally have the clarity to identify verbal and emotional abuse and refuse to continue in that life. Wouldn’t it be beautiful if we recognized right away when people aren’t treating us right?
In a conversation with a police officer, issues of gang violence and drug use came up. He said that, surprisingly, the biggest problems are with the girlfriends who are willing to do anything for the gang member…and they don’t get anything out of it. News flash: they do. They believe these boys/men love them. They get attention (and most likely gifts). These are abusive relationships like any other. These girls are often abused on every level, including physically, yet they get what they are seeking…a feeling of being important. That’s why they can’t walk away.
This isn’t an issue of race or class. We all want to feel like we are important and someone loves us, but most of us have experienced some broken relationship that contributes to our low self-worth. It contributes to all sorts of issues in our society. These issues run the gamut from eating disorders and obesity to criminal activity, suicide, addictions, domestic violence, unwanted pregnancy, divorce, and just plain going on a date with the jerk that lives next door.
So what to do? Love these girls. Love them deeply. Build relationships in which they can see their true value. Teach them that it is not their ability to attract a mate that makes them valuable.
Moms of the world, that means no more comments about wanting grandchildren. I know you want these girls to be happy like you were, but pressure to find a husband only creates desperate women who are willing to take whatever they can get.
Friends, do not console someone who just broke up by saying, “don’t worry someone will come along.” Who’s worried? This issue is about the present hurt. Instead, reassure them that they are still loved: by you, not some fictitious, future prince charming.
Men, step up and quit taking advantage. Just because we have issues does not let you off the hook. Don’t stand for abuse of any kind. Respect women, and tell your friends to respect them too. I promise, if you do that, you will still find someone to sleep with you, and more importantly someone to love you.
Women have a lot to contribute to the world, but they won’t do it unless they know they are loved and have a support system. In this country, we finally have the voice and the choices to make life what we want it to be; we just need to recognize that we are valuable to more people than the ones who are physically attracted. Please tell the girls in your life that they are beautiful, that they are loved, and show them their value by listening and caring for them no matter what. Even these small things can make a huge difference. We were made for healthy, positive, life-giving relationships with each other. Let's work on creating as many of those as we can.
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