I have heard my whole life about body image issues in young girls. Many blame the magazines, fashion, and the entertainment industry. While it doesn’t help, they aren’t entirely at fault. And the issue isn’t just about weight or wanting to be pretty. The low self-esteem of the American girl is a much deeper wound and much bigger issue than most imagine. It drives us to find value, and especially love (or the illusion of it) anywhere we can.
The issues stem from broken relationships and a need to find love that we don’t feel we have gotten. The deep systemic and cultural issues lie below the surface where most people, especially men, can’t see them.
Think most American women are sexually liberated? Think again. A few confident women are, but most girls and women just want someone to want them. Seeking validation through attraction and sex is a reality for both genders. Sex is rightfully associated with love, but if we don’t know real love, then sex becomes a dangerous substitute.
Think the divorce rate is because young people don’t take marriage seriously? Not necessarily. Countless middle-aged people are getting divorced because the women finally have the clarity to identify verbal and emotional abuse and refuse to continue in that life. Wouldn’t it be beautiful if we recognized right away when people aren’t treating us right?
In a conversation with a police officer, issues of gang violence and drug use came up. He said that, surprisingly, the biggest problems are with the girlfriends who are willing to do anything for the gang member…and they don’t get anything out of it. News flash: they do. They believe these boys/men love them. They get attention (and most likely gifts). These are abusive relationships like any other. These girls are often abused on every level, including physically, yet they get what they are seeking…a feeling of being important. That’s why they can’t walk away.
This isn’t an issue of race or class. We all want to feel like we are important and someone loves us, but most of us have experienced some broken relationship that contributes to our low self-worth. It contributes to all sorts of issues in our society. These issues run the gamut from eating disorders and obesity to criminal activity, suicide, addictions, domestic violence, unwanted pregnancy, divorce, and just plain going on a date with the jerk that lives next door.
So what to do? Love these girls. Love them deeply. Build relationships in which they can see their true value. Teach them that it is not their ability to attract a mate that makes them valuable.
Moms of the world, that means no more comments about wanting grandchildren. I know you want these girls to be happy like you were, but pressure to find a husband only creates desperate women who are willing to take whatever they can get.
Friends, do not console someone who just broke up by saying, “don’t worry someone will come along.” Who’s worried? This issue is about the present hurt. Instead, reassure them that they are still loved: by you, not some fictitious, future prince charming.
Men, step up and quit taking advantage. Just because we have issues does not let you off the hook. Don’t stand for abuse of any kind. Respect women, and tell your friends to respect them too. I promise, if you do that, you will still find someone to sleep with you, and more importantly someone to love you.
Women have a lot to contribute to the world, but they won’t do it unless they know they are loved and have a support system. In this country, we finally have the voice and the choices to make life what we want it to be; we just need to recognize that we are valuable to more people than the ones who are physically attracted. Please tell the girls in your life that they are beautiful, that they are loved, and show them their value by listening and caring for them no matter what. Even these small things can make a huge difference. We were made for healthy, positive, life-giving relationships with each other. Let's work on creating as many of those as we can.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Monday, October 10, 2011
What's in it for me?
On occasion, someone leaves me newspaper articles in my box at the church. One article given to me recently is a critique of one of the factors in Obama’s proposed jobs plan. Under the proposed plan, this wealthy man would have his taxes raised. He claimed that he wouldn’t mind paying more taxes if the tax plan were sensible, but since there would also be a cut to the deduction for charitable giving, the people who would really suffer are not the rich, but the poor, who receive that giving. His reasoning is that if wealthy people don’t get enough benefit for their charity, they won’t give, and the poor suffer, so the tax policy isn't sound enough to be supported.
Ok, there may be a little truth to the theory that some people give more if they think there is a tax deduction. But if it is that big of a deal, then we have a serious crisis on our hands. If getting 28% of your giving back as tax deduction instead of 35% is enough for people to say they won’t give anymore, then I think they have lost the concept of giving.
My understanding of a gift is that we give it because we want to and that we don’t expect anything in return. It is also my understanding that I have been blessed with enough to give generously (though in this country I am not considered wealthy) and others have been blessed enough to give generously too. Especially when we know that someone else, who has less, is in need.
It is my understanding that God’s plan for the world is that none would go without. And that God has given us enough that none have to. The uneven distribution of resources comes from greediness and sin. Giving is one way to combat our idolatry of money, to demonstrate and remind ourselves that something else (God) is more important than the accumulation of wealth. Rich or poor, we are susceptible to that idolatry, and so we all must give to the degree we are able. And the harsh reality is, if we who are wealthier do not care for the poor, nobody will.
It is my hope that this man is wrong, that a majority of people who give do it because they want to make a difference for those who receive, and that whatever the government decides to do with this particular piece of the tax law, those who have more will continue to see the need to share with those who have less in a variety of ways (including through the government). May the hungry and the poor be blessed richly by the generosity of God through the gifts of God’s people and, wealthy or poor, may we all have generous hearts.
Ok, there may be a little truth to the theory that some people give more if they think there is a tax deduction. But if it is that big of a deal, then we have a serious crisis on our hands. If getting 28% of your giving back as tax deduction instead of 35% is enough for people to say they won’t give anymore, then I think they have lost the concept of giving.
My understanding of a gift is that we give it because we want to and that we don’t expect anything in return. It is also my understanding that I have been blessed with enough to give generously (though in this country I am not considered wealthy) and others have been blessed enough to give generously too. Especially when we know that someone else, who has less, is in need.
It is my understanding that God’s plan for the world is that none would go without. And that God has given us enough that none have to. The uneven distribution of resources comes from greediness and sin. Giving is one way to combat our idolatry of money, to demonstrate and remind ourselves that something else (God) is more important than the accumulation of wealth. Rich or poor, we are susceptible to that idolatry, and so we all must give to the degree we are able. And the harsh reality is, if we who are wealthier do not care for the poor, nobody will.
It is my hope that this man is wrong, that a majority of people who give do it because they want to make a difference for those who receive, and that whatever the government decides to do with this particular piece of the tax law, those who have more will continue to see the need to share with those who have less in a variety of ways (including through the government). May the hungry and the poor be blessed richly by the generosity of God through the gifts of God’s people and, wealthy or poor, may we all have generous hearts.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Feeling discouraged, unpopular, and hungry
One of the things that people really don’t talk about much is how lonely being a pastor is. Pastors don’t talk about it because it is likely to offend the people they serve, and other people don’t talk about it because they have no idea.
So for those of you who have no idea, I will say it. Being a pastor is a job where I spend time with people, lots of people, and is totally isolating and lonely, because none of those people get it. My relationship with each and every one of my congregation members is professional, they have a need to hear the gospel, I proclaim it. It is that simple. Proclaiming the gospel is always done in relationship to others, so we get to know each other, it is often, in fact usually, enjoyable and fulfilling. But that relationship is rarely about liking each other, understanding each other, and is not supposed to be about loving each other on a deep, intimate level.
It is those deep relationships that are missing from the lives of pastors. We are sent to serve in places that are often far away from the family we grew up with. It is often also far away from the friends we have made throughout our lives. We go through a rather long process of education and spiritual formation with a set of people we call classmates that are really more like family than anything else. Then we are split up and sent all over the country and if we see any of them more often than once a year we are lucky.
And so, we set out to build a new life. Our primary relationship becomes with our congregation, the people that we can’t get all that close to or even be totally honest with…after all, they have the power to fire us, and if we aren’t exactly what they want, they may just do that. Even those people who are lucky enough to take family with them are expected to leave that family at home for an abundance of meetings and events that require the pastor’s presence and attention.
Meeting new people and making friends is complicated. Not many people want to be friends with a pastor: either they are afraid of being judged or preached at (not likely to happen, btw) or they have had a bad experience and hold anger toward the church or pastors in general, or they are intimidated, or they think they aren’t good enough, or any other number of reasons that people avoid pastors. Add to it that we work 50+ hours a week and have very little opportunity to even meet people who aren’t members of our congregation. These complications multiply the smaller the town is. If making friends is a challenge, don’t even consider the possibility of going on a date or falling in love.
So, many pastors seek support from each other. Great, if you aren’t the only pastor under the age of 40, the only woman, the only one who isn’t burnt out, etc.
The picture is not entirely bleak. I do have friends, but it has taken time and effort, and sometimes when the people in the congregation seem disengaged, it seems that there is nobody to really talk to, the people I truly love are all far away, and it’s almost lunch time, I have to admit that being discouraged and hungry are probably symptoms of loneliness (well, maybe not the hunger). I share this because it seems that lately I’ve been hearing a lot of friends and colleagues tell me they are lonely, isolated, and don’t have anyone where they live.
Perhaps it is time that we stop hiding it and help people to understand that while our relationship with God is the most important relationship we have, God created us to be in deep, loving relationships with other people too and being a pastor or anything else just isn’t rewarding enough to fill that need all by itself, even if it is God’s work. Today I pray for all people who are feeling lonely that God would provide the relationships to fulfill our need for love, that there would be time and energy to invest in those relationships and that others would be supportive and understanding.
So for those of you who have no idea, I will say it. Being a pastor is a job where I spend time with people, lots of people, and is totally isolating and lonely, because none of those people get it. My relationship with each and every one of my congregation members is professional, they have a need to hear the gospel, I proclaim it. It is that simple. Proclaiming the gospel is always done in relationship to others, so we get to know each other, it is often, in fact usually, enjoyable and fulfilling. But that relationship is rarely about liking each other, understanding each other, and is not supposed to be about loving each other on a deep, intimate level.
It is those deep relationships that are missing from the lives of pastors. We are sent to serve in places that are often far away from the family we grew up with. It is often also far away from the friends we have made throughout our lives. We go through a rather long process of education and spiritual formation with a set of people we call classmates that are really more like family than anything else. Then we are split up and sent all over the country and if we see any of them more often than once a year we are lucky.
And so, we set out to build a new life. Our primary relationship becomes with our congregation, the people that we can’t get all that close to or even be totally honest with…after all, they have the power to fire us, and if we aren’t exactly what they want, they may just do that. Even those people who are lucky enough to take family with them are expected to leave that family at home for an abundance of meetings and events that require the pastor’s presence and attention.
Meeting new people and making friends is complicated. Not many people want to be friends with a pastor: either they are afraid of being judged or preached at (not likely to happen, btw) or they have had a bad experience and hold anger toward the church or pastors in general, or they are intimidated, or they think they aren’t good enough, or any other number of reasons that people avoid pastors. Add to it that we work 50+ hours a week and have very little opportunity to even meet people who aren’t members of our congregation. These complications multiply the smaller the town is. If making friends is a challenge, don’t even consider the possibility of going on a date or falling in love.
So, many pastors seek support from each other. Great, if you aren’t the only pastor under the age of 40, the only woman, the only one who isn’t burnt out, etc.
The picture is not entirely bleak. I do have friends, but it has taken time and effort, and sometimes when the people in the congregation seem disengaged, it seems that there is nobody to really talk to, the people I truly love are all far away, and it’s almost lunch time, I have to admit that being discouraged and hungry are probably symptoms of loneliness (well, maybe not the hunger). I share this because it seems that lately I’ve been hearing a lot of friends and colleagues tell me they are lonely, isolated, and don’t have anyone where they live.
Perhaps it is time that we stop hiding it and help people to understand that while our relationship with God is the most important relationship we have, God created us to be in deep, loving relationships with other people too and being a pastor or anything else just isn’t rewarding enough to fill that need all by itself, even if it is God’s work. Today I pray for all people who are feeling lonely that God would provide the relationships to fulfill our need for love, that there would be time and energy to invest in those relationships and that others would be supportive and understanding.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Is age just a number?
Last week at the dog park, I mentioned to a couple of ladies that I was a pastor at one of the churches in town, and the immediate response was, “aren’t you a little young to be a pastor?”
While I am always tempted to tell people that I am older than I look, that isn’t really the issue at hand. The questions I would like to pose are these:
Since when do you have to be a balding or grey-haired man to look like a pastor?
(Trust me on this, when I am with my colleague, strangers will actually ask him if he is a pastor, tell him that he looks like one, and then after it is pointed out that I am also a pastor, apologize and tell me I don’t-I take it as a compliment.)
But more importantly…
When did it become surprising for a person to decide to do something respectable with their lives before they reach middle age?
Is this not really the issue?
We have become a culture that values youth, but not what young people have to contribute to society. I constantly hear concern about the lack of young people in the church, and yet almost as often hear, “what’s wrong with young people these days is…” Many older adults want young people around, but assume there is something wrong with them? Is it just me, or is that a contradiction? This attitude stretches far beyond the reaches of the church.
My fear is that it has come to a point when the desire for the presence of youth/young adults is to make sure that there is someone to carry things on. But carry things on just as they have been is not what young people will do. Instead, the young of our culture have ideas and dreams for what the world should be like (and what the church should be like), as well as frustrations with how things are. In fact, young people today are much like young people of the past: idealistic and hopeful. They will look to make improvements when and where they can.
Unfortunately, after years of not being listened to, hearing what is wrong with them, and basically being treated like they have no voice until they are in their thirties (at least), young people have just sort of given up on the chance to have a voice, do something significant, change the world. They are settling in and acting like other people expect them to. Only the very determined and stubborn have fought their way through to a place where they can be heard…like the pulpit.
And so, in response to the question: No, I am not a little young to be a pastor. I am a young adult who has chosen a way of life that comes with power and respect, and opportunity. I pray for the wisdom to lead, the compassion to serve, the courage to stand up for what is right, and above all the words to proclaim the good news of Jesus Christ. These are qualities I believe do not belong only to the aged. I have hopes that the future holds something different than the past and the present when it comes to hearing the voices of all who have something to contribute.
While I am always tempted to tell people that I am older than I look, that isn’t really the issue at hand. The questions I would like to pose are these:
Since when do you have to be a balding or grey-haired man to look like a pastor?
(Trust me on this, when I am with my colleague, strangers will actually ask him if he is a pastor, tell him that he looks like one, and then after it is pointed out that I am also a pastor, apologize and tell me I don’t-I take it as a compliment.)
But more importantly…
When did it become surprising for a person to decide to do something respectable with their lives before they reach middle age?
Is this not really the issue?
We have become a culture that values youth, but not what young people have to contribute to society. I constantly hear concern about the lack of young people in the church, and yet almost as often hear, “what’s wrong with young people these days is…” Many older adults want young people around, but assume there is something wrong with them? Is it just me, or is that a contradiction? This attitude stretches far beyond the reaches of the church.
My fear is that it has come to a point when the desire for the presence of youth/young adults is to make sure that there is someone to carry things on. But carry things on just as they have been is not what young people will do. Instead, the young of our culture have ideas and dreams for what the world should be like (and what the church should be like), as well as frustrations with how things are. In fact, young people today are much like young people of the past: idealistic and hopeful. They will look to make improvements when and where they can.
Unfortunately, after years of not being listened to, hearing what is wrong with them, and basically being treated like they have no voice until they are in their thirties (at least), young people have just sort of given up on the chance to have a voice, do something significant, change the world. They are settling in and acting like other people expect them to. Only the very determined and stubborn have fought their way through to a place where they can be heard…like the pulpit.
And so, in response to the question: No, I am not a little young to be a pastor. I am a young adult who has chosen a way of life that comes with power and respect, and opportunity. I pray for the wisdom to lead, the compassion to serve, the courage to stand up for what is right, and above all the words to proclaim the good news of Jesus Christ. These are qualities I believe do not belong only to the aged. I have hopes that the future holds something different than the past and the present when it comes to hearing the voices of all who have something to contribute.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Diligence
The title for this blog comes from Romans 12:8
4For as in one body we have many members, and not all the members have the same function, 5so we, who are many, are one body in Christ, and individually we are members one of another. 6We have gifts that differ according to the grace given to us: prophecy, in proportion to faith; 7ministry, in ministering; the teacher, in teaching; 8the exhorter, in exhortation; the giver, in generosity; the leader, in diligence; the compassionate, in cheerfulness.
I am a pastor. Not all pastors actually possess the gift of leadership, but I believe I do, or at the very least, I would like to. Or I thought I would several months ago when I began my ministry.
It turns out, leadership isn't such a desirable gift. Leading is actually quite stressful, especially because there are many naysayers who love to say "that will never work." Hard to lead anywhere when there are roadblocks put in the way (Apparently the compassionate are cheerful, there are no promises like this made about leaders).
This verse from Romans struck me because it provides a definition of leadership that gives me comfort. Leaders are diligent. They put in constant effort to accomplish the task at hand. If this is a quality of leadership, then I intend to keep it up. If I fail in every other aspect of ministry, at least I can be diligent, despite those who put up road blocks, despite those who say I need to proceed more cautiously, despite the others who sit idly looking at the roadblock in front of them telling me it is too dangerous to go around.
Playing it safe has never really been my thing anyway. My calling is to proclaim the gospel, in fact that is the calling of the whole body of Christ. It is what we are to do with every gift. So, as I set out on this journey of professional ministry, I choose to proclaim with diligence. Because if I don't, I have failed as a leader.
4For as in one body we have many members, and not all the members have the same function, 5so we, who are many, are one body in Christ, and individually we are members one of another. 6We have gifts that differ according to the grace given to us: prophecy, in proportion to faith; 7ministry, in ministering; the teacher, in teaching; 8the exhorter, in exhortation; the giver, in generosity; the leader, in diligence; the compassionate, in cheerfulness.
I am a pastor. Not all pastors actually possess the gift of leadership, but I believe I do, or at the very least, I would like to. Or I thought I would several months ago when I began my ministry.
It turns out, leadership isn't such a desirable gift. Leading is actually quite stressful, especially because there are many naysayers who love to say "that will never work." Hard to lead anywhere when there are roadblocks put in the way (Apparently the compassionate are cheerful, there are no promises like this made about leaders).
This verse from Romans struck me because it provides a definition of leadership that gives me comfort. Leaders are diligent. They put in constant effort to accomplish the task at hand. If this is a quality of leadership, then I intend to keep it up. If I fail in every other aspect of ministry, at least I can be diligent, despite those who put up road blocks, despite those who say I need to proceed more cautiously, despite the others who sit idly looking at the roadblock in front of them telling me it is too dangerous to go around.
Playing it safe has never really been my thing anyway. My calling is to proclaim the gospel, in fact that is the calling of the whole body of Christ. It is what we are to do with every gift. So, as I set out on this journey of professional ministry, I choose to proclaim with diligence. Because if I don't, I have failed as a leader.
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